October 2, 2012

The Day Our Loves Changed FOREVER

    We are expecting a precious baby boy or girl in Feburary 2013!!! Yes, we are going to be PARENTS! We are so excited! We have been trying for about 6 months, and finally our wish has come true!
     It was just a normal weekend in our house. Jason did work around the house and worked on the race car some. I of course worked. When I got off work monday morning, I picked Jason and I something to eat for breakfast and met him at the shop. We quickly ate breakfast in the car, and I was off to the house to shower and get some much needed sleep. I knew that I was 2 days late, so I decided that I would take a pregnancy test. I of course was extremely nervous. I did the test, and then placed it on bathroom counter to wait for the results. Instead of standing over it and staring at like I really wanted to do, I left out of the bathroom and went to play with the dogs in the bedroom to distract myself. Jason called my cell phone to check on me. I thought this was a little strange because he never calls at that time. I didn't tell him what I had just done. He knew I was late, but if I were pregnant, I wanted to tell him that I had started so I could really suprise him and he wouldn't suspect anything. After getting off the phone with him, I walked into the bathroom and much to my suprise the pregnancy test said PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! I grabbed my head with both heads and all I could say was "Oh my GOD" "Oh my GOD" as I paced around the bedroom! I was beyond excited! I don't think there are words to express how excited I was. I don't think there are words to express how I felt at that moment.
     I really wanted, needed to tell someone right away. I picked up my cell phone and called my friend Cynthia. I knew I could tell her and trust that she wouldn't tell anyone. I really wanted to share the news with Jason, but he was at work and there was no way that I was going to tell him the news over the phone because I wanted to see his facial expression! I didn't know how I was going to make till 6pm to tell him. It was about 8:30am when I found out and I knew it was going to be tough to keep it from him all that time! I text Jason and told him that I had started my period and how disappointed and frustrated I was. Yes, I know I lied, but I really wanted him to be suprised! I decided that I would shower and try to get some sleep to help the time pass by faster.
     I hadn't been in bed long when Jason text me to let me know that he would be home for lunch. I was so excited because I knew that I would be able to share the news with him! Before lying down, I had gotten a piggy bank out of the closet and wrote on a sticky note "Our Baby's College Fund" and stuck it on the piggy bank and placed it on the desk in the office. I also out a sticky note on the desk that said "look in the drawer". I had put the pregnancy test in the drawer along with a "Expecting Father's" book.
     I slept till Jason got home for lunch. When he does come home for lunch, he stays just long enough to fix a sandwich, eat it, and back out the door he goes. I had to come up with an idea to get hin in the office. I decided to tell him that something was wrong with the computer. He walked in and read the sticky note on the piggy bank out loud. He said "whats that, whats that"? I told him to open the drawer. He opened it and started grinning! He then said "whats that, whats that"? I was like what do you think it is! He hugged me and we were just all smiles. He fell back onto the loveseat and we just sat there in the office in awe. It was so great! I will never forget it in my life!
     It was really sad when Jason had to head back to work because we were both so excited and I wanted to be with him. But, he had to go back and I couldn't wait for him to get back home.
     The hardest thing in the world right now is not being able to tell anyone. I don't go to the doctor until July 2. We found out on June 4th, so it is soooo hard waiting that long to go to the doctor to confirm everything. We want to wait until we go to the doctor to tell anyone. I am still very early in the pregnancy. As of right now, I think I am about 5weeks. I think I will be 6 weeks friday. My due date right now is Feb 9, 2013. I know that this date may changed once I go to the doctor and they actually measure me.
     I really don't feel pregnant and I haven't had any morning sickness. I am so ready to "feel" pregnant and see a belly! Crazy right! I can't wait to here a heartbeat and see my baby via ultrasound. The days just seem like they are draggin by because I'm anxiously awaiting all these things!
     Jason has been so wonderful to me. He is so concerned and worries about me. He is always rubbing my belly even at this early stage in pregnancy. It is so sweet and always makes me smile! I love him so much.
    This coming sunday is Father's Day. It will be Jason's first one. I really want to get him something, but I'm having a hard time thinking of something.
     Once you guys read this, I will be farther along in the pregnancy. I am writing this today about a week after we found out we were pregnant. But, I'm not posting this on my blog until we've told everybody in our families. I just wanted to go ahead and write this and save it so all I will have to do is post it later on.
     I can't wait until I can blog about my pregnancy and actually post instead of save!

I think I have finally found the courage to post this. It hurts. I cry a lot. All the time.
I originally wrote the above post on June 4th, 2012 but I was not going to post it on my blog until we had heard the baby's heart beat & had made it to 12 weeks. Little did we know that our lives changed that day, but our lives would change again in a couple of weeks.
I was very happy that I was pregnat. However, from the very first time I saw that ClearBlue digital test that said PREGNANT, I was hesitant. I don't know why, but I just didn't feel right.
I know it sounds wierd, but thats how I felt.
Ecstatic to be pregnant, but guarded. Worried.
All my fears came true on June 14th, 2012.
I started bleeding bright red blood. I had had some brown spotting the day before, but played it off because I read on the internet where this could be completely normal.
So, when I saw the bright red blood I knew something was really wrong. I cried & cried.
I called Jason & he came home from work.
I called my doctor's office & got an appointment for that afternoon. I couldn't see my doctor, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be seen.
We waited in the waiting room & it was horrible. I saw all these happy pregnant women or women who had just had babies coming in with their new babies in carriers & how everyone just ooo & aww'd over them. It hurt. It hurt because I knew I was probably losing my pregnancy. I wanted to scream honestly. I sat there & thought to myself, how fair is this? How can this happen.
I managed to compose myself (probably wouldn't have been able to if Jason hadn't been there).
They called my name to go back. Jason asked if I wanted him to go back with me, but I told him I was ok. I lied. I wasn't.
As soon as I went back they of course checked my vital signs & had me take a urine pregnancy test.
After that, they put me in a room. A room with an ultrasound machine. A machine that usually brings happy smiles to mothers faces because they get to see their little bean & hear its strong heart beat.
Well, I knew that on this particular day this machine might not give me the answer or let me see what I longed to see.
The doctor came in. He was super nice. He immediately started & did a vaginal ultrasound. He said here is your left ovary, here is your right ovary....it's definitely not an ectopic pregnancy. He kept pointing out things, but he never said here is the little bean or here is the sac.
His exact words were "I don't see a pregnany".
I can still hear those words to this day loud & clear. Those words still make me cry.
He did show me where I had a dip in my uterus. He said that it could be 1 of 2 things. He said either my pregancy is realllly early & thats why we can't see anything or that I had already lost the pregancy. The dip in my uterus was either the beginning of a pregnancy or a pregnancy that was already over. He apologized for not being able to give me anymore answers.
He said that he wanted me to have some blood work done that day(which was a thur) & then again on monday & that would hopefully help answer some questions maybe. So I left out of the room & went to have my blood drawn. Of course they couldn't give me results of the blood work that day, I had to WAIT. Yes, wait. Wait to see if I really am pregnant & its just WAY early or wait to see if I have already lost the pregnancy.
On the way home all I did was cry. Jason was upset, but he was strong. He was really worried about me. I cried for the longest time. I didn't understand. It didn't make since.
I was told in the office that they would call me the next day with the results of the blood work.
It was 4:00 on friday & still hadn't heard a word. It was so hard to wait.
I had to go all weekend not knowing what was going on with my body.
I worke all that weekend which I think helped with passing the time & keeping my mind off it.
I went in on monday to have my blood drawn again.
I can't remember if it was that evening or if it was on tuesday when they called me with the results.
They told me that my levels were 13 on thursday which does indicate pregnancy. When pregnant, your numbers are suppose to double every 48 hours. On monday, my levels were 1. This meant I was no longer pregnant.
Even though I was only pregnant for about 5 or 6 weeks, it has definately changed my life forever.
I will forever hold a place in my heart for our little bean. I often wonder would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have been like?
I think about it all the time. It still hurts. It still feels fresh.
It feels good to get this out & off my chest.
My heart longs for people who have lost a pregnancy or lost a baby born sleeping.


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