October 25, 2012

I found Courage

I finally found the courage to post something that changed our lives forever.
Both for the good & bad.
I wrote the original post back in June, however, I am just now posting it to my blog.
You can find it here.
I will warn you, it is very emotional & is something that is very close to my heart.

Decisions

I have never been one to be great at making decisions.
I married my husband & that was a wonderful decision.
I decided to become a nurse, which I feel was the right decision.
However, my career has me stressed right now to say the least.
I have been working weekend nights for one year now.
I work every friday, saturday, & sunday night.
Yes, I work when my husband is off.
I work when our families have get togethers & dinners.
I work when Jason races.
I work basically when "normal" people are at home.
It has its positives & negatives.
I am now stuck trying to figure out the which out weighs the other.
By working on weekends, I'm off monday through thursday every week.
It's very easy to make doctor appointments, hair appointments, etc.
However, I'm home alone at those times.
I have no hobbies.
I get very bored & very lonely.
I find myself sleeping a lot & feel as though I'm in some kind of rut or funk.
Jason makes comments all the time that he wishes I worked during the week so we could go places on the weekends.
He makes statements like, "well if you didn't work every weekedend, we could go to the beach".
I work with such wonderful people that have taught me so so much.
We are close & we work as a team.
I started off my nursing career working week nights.
I hated it.
I didn't hate when I worked, I hated one particular person at work.
She was very hateful & not a very good person to work with.
I was miserable & I really think she was the reason.
Another thing about working during the week is that I won't have a set schedule like I do now.
One week I may work mon, tue, wed...one week I may work mon, wed, thur...etc.
And one week I may work mon, wed, fri.
Thats one of the negatives that I really don't like.
I will also be taking a pay cut.
I make more money for working weekend nights.
About $11 more an hour.
Thats a pretty big deal I think.
I say all this because I am torn.
I don't know what to do.
The lady that I mentioned above that I hated when I worked week nights is now gone.
She no longer works at the hospital.
My husband I think would be more happy with me working week nights so we can be together on the weekends.
I however, have absolutely no idea what to do.
I talked with him tonight while we were in bed & he said that he wanted me to stay on weekends if thats what makes me happy.
But, I want us both to be happy.
We put almost 20,000 miles on our car when I worked during the week.
Since I've been working on the weekends, we have put 5,000 miles on the car.
By the time Jason gets off work during the week, we don't have time to go anywhere.
I wish this were an easy decision.
I know if people are reading this, you really don't give a rip.
I wanted to post this because I want to remember important things in my life.
And this to me is important.
Right now my gut is telling me that I should give week nights a try again.
However, it is 3am & my brain isn't functioning at its best.
I will think on this some more tomorrow & talk with Jason some more about it.

October 18, 2012

Update

So, I haven't posted in a while.
I know, I'm getting slack.
We are actually finished painting the laundry room & we have yet to start in the kitchen.
We've had a lot going on lately.
Right after Jason started painting, his papa was put in the hospital for a possible stroke.
Thank God it was not & he is home & doing well.
I need to post some pictures of what we have gotten done in the laundry room.
I will try to take some pictures later today.
 
I found 2 rugs for the front porches finally.
I found them at Big Lots for $5 a piece.
I still have to find the stencils though, & get the paint to put on them.
If you are wondering, I plan on doing like Emily did here.
Isn't it cute?
 
I also found 2 little trees to go on either side of the main front door.
I'm currently waiting on the pillows I ordered from Etsy to come in for the front porch also.
 
With my new pillows, wreath, rugs, & plants, my porch should look amazing! haha.
Hopefully so.
 
I plan on taking a picture of my porch before & a picture of my porch after the sprucing up!
I have already posted before pictures of my kitchen & laundry room.
I just need to post some pictures of what we have gotten done.
 
Jason & I went to vote today.
So glad we went ahead & got that over with.
I can't wait to find out the results of who our next president is going to be.
I know who I want it to be, but I am one who keeps my political opinions to myself.
 
Well, thats all for now. I need to get started on some laundry & cleaning.
It's back to work for me tomorrow night. 

October 16, 2012

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful hubby!
He is the best!
I fall more & more in love with him every single day!
 
 
I LOVE YOU =)


October 10, 2012

Day of Silence

 
Please join me in a media silence day to honor the life of Matt Turner.
My heart is so heavy today for his family, especially for his wife Julee & daughter Preslee.
I don't know Julee personally. Only through reading her blog.
I can not imagine the pain.
Please join me in prayer for this fmaily.
Psalm 34:18The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
 


October 5, 2012

Friday

It is 12:28am.
Yes, I should be in bed.
However, I was suppose to work tonight, but I got put on call.
Therefore, I am wide awake because I slept until 2pm today.
 
Anyways, Jason painted some more in the kitchen today & started working on the cabinets.
While he was painting, I cleaned out the cabinets & wiped them down.
Yes, I know I'm going to have to do the same thing when we get finished.
I just didn't want anyone to come over to the house & our cabinet doors be off & they think we're nasty people because of how awful the inside of our cabinets look!
They were horrible!
 
We went to Lowes before getting supper tonight so we could pick out a light fixture for the kitchen & also so we could pick out new hardware for the cabinets.
Lowes is awesome.
Its funny how Lowes use to be the most boring store to go in.
Or so I thought growing up.
However, now that I have a house of my own, I love that store!
You can get so many great ideas there.
I know my hubby hates taking me there with him.
LOL. I come up with more projects every time I enter the doors!
 
I really hope work doesn't call me anytime soon to come in to work.
They have been known to call at 1:30am.
Yes, annoying.
I can't complain though, at least I have a job.
A very rewarding job at that.
I get to help save lives every weekend.
Peoples lives are in my hands.
It feels pretty great.
 
I think I'm going to head to bed & hopefully get some sleep.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
I probably won't be blogging again until Monday or Tuesday.


October 4, 2012

Day #1 Kitchen

Well, Jason started painting the kitchen tonight!
YAY =)
I was so excited!
I love the color so far & he has just started!
 
First I'm going to post some before pics.
Then I will post some pics I took tonight.
 
 
BEFORE PICTURES:









 

 
 
PICTURES FROM PAINT DAY #1:


 
I'm liking it so far! Hope I continue to! We still have a TON of work to do!
But, for now, I'm heading to bed.
I have to work all weekend while hubby is at home doing Project Kitchen!
Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!
I will be posting some more updates in the next few weeks!


Front Door

Alright people.
I received my new peacock wreath in the mail today!
Yippe!
I love it.
This picture does not do it justice.
The coloring is a little funky because I took it with Instagram & played with the coloring a little.
Anyways you can find some of Becky's other SUPER gorgeous wreath here at her Etsy shop.
You can also LIKE  her facebook page.
I only took a picture of the wreath & not the whole door because my whole front porch including my door is so drab.
It looks a lot better now since I have my new wreath!
But, I want to put up a storm door & buy 2 plants to go on each side of the door.
I want 2 tall trees/plants.
Any ideas?
Something that can make it through the winter here in NC.
One problem I have, however, is that I don't know what color storm door to get.
I know I want it completely glass, but I don't know what trim to get.
My house has dark brown siding with beige trim.
Yes, I'm trying to livin' this place up a little!
Any ideas for what color storm door to go with?
I may just ride to Lowes this evening to look.
I will definitely let you guys know how everything turns out.
 
O yea, we went to buy our paint today so we can start painting the kitchen this weekend!
I'm excited!!
Can't wait to see how it turns out.

Olioboard

I have found a new love.
Olioboard.
If you haven't checked it out, you must do so.
It is sooo much fun.
Here is a look at a Living Room that I created.
I can't believe I actually did it.
So, what do you think?
I think I did pretty good considering I have no idea what I'm doing!
I really like it, & I think I want to use these colors when I re-do my living room.
I hope everyone is having a good day.
I'm in a much better mood today & not as sad as yesterday.
Sometimes I wonder if I need some medicine.
I'm so emotional & moody.
I can't stand myself sometimes! lol.
Today I will smile because I know God has a plan for me!

October 3, 2012

I'm Tired.

Yes, I said  I was tired.
Tired of feeling sorry for myself about a certain situation.
There is nothing I can do about it.
I have no control over it.
GOD does.
That should be enough.
I'm tired of lying awake at night wondering WHY?
Tired of laying around all day wondering WHY?
I should trust that He has a plan for me.
I always wonder..
What if I do this?
What if I do that?
Will that work?
Will that be enough?
Why can't it just be?
Why does He let others have them, but not me?
I'm tired of letting this situation control me.
Tired of it making me miserable, lazy, & mad.
I wish I could let it go.
I can't though.
It's too hard. Too hard.
I know this makes absolutely no sense to you.
But it does to me.
Right now, it does to me.
And I needed to let it out.
I need to have somewhere I can go & let it all out.
This is the place.
If you don't like it, you don 't have to read my posts.


Kitchen

We are in the process of starting to paint our kitchen & kitchen cabinets.
I have picked out 2 colors:
Gray Screen by Sherwin Williams for the walls & Snowbound for the trim & cabinets.
You can find my inspiration here.
The gray screen actually has more of a blue tone to it in person.
I really hope I like it. I'm sort of nervous.
I don't want it to be drab or too gray.
We will see I guess.
 
 


Patience

Have any of you ever wanted something soooo bad it hurt? I know everyone has. I'm not ready to tell what I'm actually talking about, but I need to get some things off my chest.
I want something so bad. More than anything else in the world. I have wanted this for almost a year now. Both my husband & I. I have tried to be so patient, but my patience is running on fumes.
My engine is about to shut off. I don't know how much longer I can wait. I cry, I'm angry, I'm resentful.
IT HURTS.
I know, however, God has plans for us. He knows exactly what He is doing. I know that His timing will be perfect. But, I want it NOW. I see it happen with others. What's wrong with me? What is He waiting for. How much longer do I have to wait?
I pray. I try to live right. I'm doing everything I know to do. What more is there? Is God waiting on something else from me? I don't know. I wish I did.
There is a reason for everything. I know this. I need to pray for patience. I need you to pray for patience for me. I'm growing more & more angry & resentful with with each passing day.
I don't want to be that person. I want to know that everything is going to work out.
God has a plan for all of us.
He has has a plan for me. He knows exactly what He's doing. I just have to trust & believe.
Psalm 56:3
                                                               When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

October 2, 2012

The Day Our Loves Changed FOREVER

    We are expecting a precious baby boy or girl in Feburary 2013!!! Yes, we are going to be PARENTS! We are so excited! We have been trying for about 6 months, and finally our wish has come true!
     It was just a normal weekend in our house. Jason did work around the house and worked on the race car some. I of course worked. When I got off work monday morning, I picked Jason and I something to eat for breakfast and met him at the shop. We quickly ate breakfast in the car, and I was off to the house to shower and get some much needed sleep. I knew that I was 2 days late, so I decided that I would take a pregnancy test. I of course was extremely nervous. I did the test, and then placed it on bathroom counter to wait for the results. Instead of standing over it and staring at like I really wanted to do, I left out of the bathroom and went to play with the dogs in the bedroom to distract myself. Jason called my cell phone to check on me. I thought this was a little strange because he never calls at that time. I didn't tell him what I had just done. He knew I was late, but if I were pregnant, I wanted to tell him that I had started so I could really suprise him and he wouldn't suspect anything. After getting off the phone with him, I walked into the bathroom and much to my suprise the pregnancy test said PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! I grabbed my head with both heads and all I could say was "Oh my GOD" "Oh my GOD" as I paced around the bedroom! I was beyond excited! I don't think there are words to express how excited I was. I don't think there are words to express how I felt at that moment.
     I really wanted, needed to tell someone right away. I picked up my cell phone and called my friend Cynthia. I knew I could tell her and trust that she wouldn't tell anyone. I really wanted to share the news with Jason, but he was at work and there was no way that I was going to tell him the news over the phone because I wanted to see his facial expression! I didn't know how I was going to make till 6pm to tell him. It was about 8:30am when I found out and I knew it was going to be tough to keep it from him all that time! I text Jason and told him that I had started my period and how disappointed and frustrated I was. Yes, I know I lied, but I really wanted him to be suprised! I decided that I would shower and try to get some sleep to help the time pass by faster.
     I hadn't been in bed long when Jason text me to let me know that he would be home for lunch. I was so excited because I knew that I would be able to share the news with him! Before lying down, I had gotten a piggy bank out of the closet and wrote on a sticky note "Our Baby's College Fund" and stuck it on the piggy bank and placed it on the desk in the office. I also out a sticky note on the desk that said "look in the drawer". I had put the pregnancy test in the drawer along with a "Expecting Father's" book.
     I slept till Jason got home for lunch. When he does come home for lunch, he stays just long enough to fix a sandwich, eat it, and back out the door he goes. I had to come up with an idea to get hin in the office. I decided to tell him that something was wrong with the computer. He walked in and read the sticky note on the piggy bank out loud. He said "whats that, whats that"? I told him to open the drawer. He opened it and started grinning! He then said "whats that, whats that"? I was like what do you think it is! He hugged me and we were just all smiles. He fell back onto the loveseat and we just sat there in the office in awe. It was so great! I will never forget it in my life!
     It was really sad when Jason had to head back to work because we were both so excited and I wanted to be with him. But, he had to go back and I couldn't wait for him to get back home.
     The hardest thing in the world right now is not being able to tell anyone. I don't go to the doctor until July 2. We found out on June 4th, so it is soooo hard waiting that long to go to the doctor to confirm everything. We want to wait until we go to the doctor to tell anyone. I am still very early in the pregnancy. As of right now, I think I am about 5weeks. I think I will be 6 weeks friday. My due date right now is Feb 9, 2013. I know that this date may changed once I go to the doctor and they actually measure me.
     I really don't feel pregnant and I haven't had any morning sickness. I am so ready to "feel" pregnant and see a belly! Crazy right! I can't wait to here a heartbeat and see my baby via ultrasound. The days just seem like they are draggin by because I'm anxiously awaiting all these things!
     Jason has been so wonderful to me. He is so concerned and worries about me. He is always rubbing my belly even at this early stage in pregnancy. It is so sweet and always makes me smile! I love him so much.
    This coming sunday is Father's Day. It will be Jason's first one. I really want to get him something, but I'm having a hard time thinking of something.
     Once you guys read this, I will be farther along in the pregnancy. I am writing this today about a week after we found out we were pregnant. But, I'm not posting this on my blog until we've told everybody in our families. I just wanted to go ahead and write this and save it so all I will have to do is post it later on.
     I can't wait until I can blog about my pregnancy and actually post instead of save!


I think I have finally found the courage to post this. It hurts. I cry a lot. All the time.
I originally wrote the above post on June 4th, 2012 but I was not going to post it on my blog until we had heard the baby's heart beat & had made it to 12 weeks. Little did we know that our lives changed that day, but our lives would change again in a couple of weeks.
I was very happy that I was pregnat. However, from the very first time I saw that ClearBlue digital test that said PREGNANT, I was hesitant. I don't know why, but I just didn't feel right.
I know it sounds wierd, but thats how I felt.
Ecstatic to be pregnant, but guarded. Worried.
All my fears came true on June 14th, 2012.
I started bleeding bright red blood. I had had some brown spotting the day before, but played it off because I read on the internet where this could be completely normal.
So, when I saw the bright red blood I knew something was really wrong. I cried & cried.
I called Jason & he came home from work.
I called my doctor's office & got an appointment for that afternoon. I couldn't see my doctor, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be seen.
We waited in the waiting room & it was horrible. I saw all these happy pregnant women or women who had just had babies coming in with their new babies in carriers & how everyone just ooo & aww'd over them. It hurt. It hurt because I knew I was probably losing my pregnancy. I wanted to scream honestly. I sat there & thought to myself, how fair is this? How can this happen.
I managed to compose myself (probably wouldn't have been able to if Jason hadn't been there).
They called my name to go back. Jason asked if I wanted him to go back with me, but I told him I was ok. I lied. I wasn't.
As soon as I went back they of course checked my vital signs & had me take a urine pregnancy test.
After that, they put me in a room. A room with an ultrasound machine. A machine that usually brings happy smiles to mothers faces because they get to see their little bean & hear its strong heart beat.
Well, I knew that on this particular day this machine might not give me the answer or let me see what I longed to see.
The doctor came in. He was super nice. He immediately started & did a vaginal ultrasound. He said here is your left ovary, here is your right ovary....it's definitely not an ectopic pregnancy. He kept pointing out things, but he never said here is the little bean or here is the sac.
His exact words were "I don't see a pregnany".
I can still hear those words to this day loud & clear. Those words still make me cry.
He did show me where I had a dip in my uterus. He said that it could be 1 of 2 things. He said either my pregancy is realllly early & thats why we can't see anything or that I had already lost the pregancy. The dip in my uterus was either the beginning of a pregnancy or a pregnancy that was already over. He apologized for not being able to give me anymore answers.
He said that he wanted me to have some blood work done that day(which was a thur) & then again on monday & that would hopefully help answer some questions maybe. So I left out of the room & went to have my blood drawn. Of course they couldn't give me results of the blood work that day, I had to WAIT. Yes, wait. Wait to see if I really am pregnant & its just WAY early or wait to see if I have already lost the pregnancy.
On the way home all I did was cry. Jason was upset, but he was strong. He was really worried about me. I cried for the longest time. I didn't understand. It didn't make since.
I was told in the office that they would call me the next day with the results of the blood work.
It was 4:00 on friday & still hadn't heard a word. It was so hard to wait.
I had to go all weekend not knowing what was going on with my body.
I worke all that weekend which I think helped with passing the time & keeping my mind off it.
I went in on monday to have my blood drawn again.
I can't remember if it was that evening or if it was on tuesday when they called me with the results.
They told me that my levels were 13 on thursday which does indicate pregnancy. When pregnant, your numbers are suppose to double every 48 hours. On monday, my levels were 1. This meant I was no longer pregnant.
Even though I was only pregnant for about 5 or 6 weeks, it has definately changed my life forever.
I will forever hold a place in my heart for our little bean. I often wonder would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have been like?
I think about it all the time. It still hurts. It still feels fresh.
It feels good to get this out & off my chest.
My heart longs for people who have lost a pregnancy or lost a baby born sleeping.

 
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...